This is the reality

The last time I wrote about this was 2 years ago around the same time as now.

It was during her graduation that I said bye to her. Her eyes speaks volume but at that time she was interested in someone else. I keep telling myself both of us probably won't work out because when I asked her if she wants to stay, she would usually fall back on her family. We gotten closer after she finish her studies.

At that time part of me felt like I should have confess to her but another part of me felt like I should have gotten to know her better; then another part of me felt like I can't live up to her. She was from a well off family. Unfortunately, one thing that remained constant is that my feelings for her stayed. I told myself she's a little childish with the way she talked and stuff but honestly I wasn't any different. We would be silly and make fun of each other. I would tease you and imitate your facial reaction. After seeing you chasing someone else, I felt like I should have made my move but it was too late. In the end, I did what I did best stayed by her side as her oppa and seeing her slowly grow into a mature lady. I couldn't confess to her because I was in a relationship.

Recently, I got to meet up with her and this time around she already found her plus 1. I felt both happy and sad at the same time. Part of me wanted to be that plus 1 and part of me felt like I'm glad I didn't confess to her. I'm permanent stuck at where I am while she's more comfortable at where she is in her own environment. The guy was nice and friendly which made me felt a sense of relief. She can be a gullible girl but weird/cute at the same time. During that meetup, I kept a distance from her so that I don't get too close to her and have her bf doubt her or me.

I still remember how she would look at me and I still remember how she hold my arm. I'm happy that she regard me as someone she can trust. I might have read too much into her actions and her eyes. To me, she is someone I would support. I know she's an emotional girl.

I remember how her eyes looked when I was leaving out of her sight. I could almost sense like she was waiting for me to say something to her. Just like when her friend and she drop me off home and when I said goodbye to her even when she's with her plus 1 in the car with her. Her eyes speaks volume too. Again I might have read too much into and clouded by my own feeling.

At that time I keep telling myself it wasn't the right time or she isn't mature enough yet. What I missed is that I was took the first step towards her direction.

I can keep going back and forth on the same topic but I know inside of me it's always a 50/50 where I want her to be mine but I also felt she's better with someone else.

Honestly, the most fucked up part in all of these is that I'm already with someone's baby and she's someone's baby too. I'm not gonna destroy 2 relationships for my own selfish reason but she will always be someone I care deeply.

Sadly, this is something I cannot tell anyone and whether is it true that she has feelings for me, that I will never know and I don't want to know. Time will tell.

I shouldn't be playing with this kind of fire. It's a very dangerous fire.
I also felt like I'm confusing between a friend's love and a relationship kind of love.
The reason why I write is because I could express myself without being judge.


Note - typing this out; help me in a lot of way. I reminded where is my boundary